Crumbling illusions and the "one"

As part of my growing restlessness I was also experiencing a desire to be out of the house.  Generally speaking if there was a problem in "the family" it became everyone's problem - even financial difficulties.  I wanted to only worry about my own problems.  I had a day dream of living in a small cottage by my self with a few pets perhaps but being totally independent.  I moved out of the house and into the little cottage our family had in the back yard, but that was never mine as it was also where my mom did hair (hairdresser).  Even though I carefully wrote down all my shifts on a calendar in the house there often seemed to be hair appointments while I was trying to sleep off a midnight shift.

I made an attempt at the dream , but I failed miserably.  I ended up purchasing a run down house only a few blocks away from my parents.  I was lead to believe it was a very good idea and a good investment, but it really wasn't.  I didn't have money to renovate or knowledge of how to renovate a house.  I had to rely completely on   my dad's experience and some of his money as well.  Lot's of decisions were made about construction that I was not aware of as well as supplies bought.  I didn't feel in control of anything and it was frustrating because the house that was in my name and had my dept attached to became a family project.  The "family project" quickly lost everyone's interest when it became apparent that it was bigger and more expensive then originally thought.  My siblings resisted working there and got angry when my parents pressured them to do things.  I felt like I was getting halfhearted attempts at help and no one was giving their best.  I heard the line "it's ok.....it's only Leanne's house...." .  I felt hurt and betrayed seeing that something that was very important to me didn't seem to matter to everyone else. Even my dad had tapered off in working on the house, taking a whole year off to work for my uncle or he was unable to work due to back pain. I moved in with most of the renovations finished but instead of feeling independent I felt trapped and uneasy about living there.  I felt that at any time my dad could/would just walk in the house and I wasn't sure what to expect of him without anyone else around.  At home I could doge the grabbing motions or unwelcome hugs/kisses more easily with other people around.  When I was alone I felt more unsafe (never really did feel "safe").

With the house purchase came the ending to my other dream of escape ....going overseas to do some sort of mission work.  I then had a full time afternoon position at a nursing home as an RPN.  I mostly enjoyed my job and my house and my family but it all seemed dissatisfying somehow.  Because I was working afternoons (Fridays as well) I didn't have much of a social life.  Most of my friends were from work and I only saw them at work.  I was in the middle of dealing with a guy friend who thought he wanted something more from me (lots of prayer required with that one)/as well as the house renovations when I received a "friend request" from facebook from someone who I didn't recognize.  I added him and we started to talk online.  I found out that someone had hacked into an older account of mine (something similar to facebook) and had messaged all my contacts (I'm not even sure how he got on there) saying I wanted to catch up/contact them again - but the link led to some sort of adult only website.  Mark , the person I had added, had looked me up on facebook instead.  As we emailed or talked online it became apparent to me that he had potential (lots) and as I prayed about him I didn't feel confused or uncertain.  To my surprise it appeared that he liked me and we would talk online at all hours of the day and night.

After we met I felt like I had the green light from God.  As our relationship quickly grew it seemed like the irritation between me and my family also grew (as well as with him and the house renovations).    I felt like this relationship was natural and right , while they found it upsetting.  I felt conflicted at their nonacceptance of Mark and angry/disappointed that I didn't have their support. It seemed like I was standing on shaky ground with a crack gradually widening between my family and I , and I felt confused ...astonished.  This was not the family I thought I had while growing up and for the first time I was a "black sheep".  I was not the "good daughter" anymore.  I could sense disapproval and resentment as I spent more and more time with Mark.  I fell in love with Mark.  I remember the day I stared at a text message I was going to send him telling him that I was "falling for him" .  I didn't want to put my self out there first and part of me was afraid of rejection.  I remembered God's promise to me and I was tired of hiding things.  I wanted our relationship to be about truth, so I sent it.  I was so sure that God had picked this man out for me that even if he didn't want to take the step from friendship to love I would wait until he did.  I think the revelation took him by surprise but he soon realized that he felt the same way.  Later, Mark told me some personal things about him self and because of that I somehow found the courage to tell him that I had been molested when I was younger.  I'm not even sure I used the word "molested" .  Words that described what I had been through always seemed to apply to someone else , not to me.  I didn't tell him it was my dad.  I was afraid, judging by his angry expression as I told him someone had hurt me, that he would be forever angry at my dad, and my family would be fragmented.  

Eight months after knowing Mark he proposed to me on a beach nearby my family's home with a guitar and a blanket. I was so happy and excited.  My parents it seemed finally shared my joy and were happy for me.....until we planned our wedding for the fall of that same year on the very day we met.  My family wanted us to wait until the next year and to be involved in the wedding planning, but I didn't feel like they respected or liked anything we suggested.  I would bring something up an idea that I liked and it seemed the response was often "oh no.....you wouldn't like that, this would be better".  I became aware of a strong current of ideas that belonged to "the family" and I was either swept up in the current not thinking for myself or I was fighting against it.  Things often came to a head and more and more I chose to fight the current. It seemed like things were not about what the bride and groom wanted but were about what was best for "the family". We got married on October 11, 2008.  Mark thoroughly enjoyed the event (happy that I was there, along with someone qualified to marry us) but I still felt tense.  I remember just before I was to walk down the aisle my dad turned to me and said "you know it's not to late to back out right?" I'm still unsure if he was being serious.  As I walked down the aisle I gathered courage from the looks of approval from the extended family members and the strong love I saw in my soon to be husbands face.  Marrying Mark was one of the best things I've ever done in my life.  After we finished our three day honeymoon and settled into Mark's house I started to feel safe and free for the first time, but I was not yet free from myself. God started to prick at my mind suggesting that I delve into past injuries further.  I successfully ignored Him.  Mark also would mention counseling on occasion , I brushed it off.  Counseling was for people who had problems, I was coping with mine just fine.  I was also still basking in the delusion of "nothings wrong with our family".  I didn't want to be a victim , I wanted to be normal.

Turning Point

Although I had been working since I was old enough to earn money (teen years? I don't remember) my first actual career job was at a local nursing home as an RPN.  After working for a year or so I got a full time afternoon position.  Working at the nursing home opened a whole new world for me.  I enjoyed my work.  I liked the residents and for the most part I was a pretty good nurse.  I even went to Africa , by my self.  I volunteered at a mission hospital in Togo for a month.  I had originally planned to do mission trips as a nurse.  I think this trip helped me to rethink that plan.  It seemed that I learned a lot more about the world and was not that much help to the hospital :).  

After a few years of working full time the stress of the job started to creep up on me.  I was working afternoons so I did not get out much.  I started to feel restless.  I would often ask for days off and get them denied (the nursing home did not have a good union).  I remember listening to a TFK song (Thousand Foot Krutch - When in Doubt) and hearing the refrain echo in my head "there is so much more to life then this".  For the first time in my life I began to feel dissatisfied with things at home.  My dad had by then mostly stopped what he did , but it was still present in more subtle forms.  I started to, at first subconsciously, look for an out.  I considered leaving the country and working with Red Cross somewhere.  I also grew interested in going to singles groups and online dating websites. I remember thinking "God, if I'm not in a relationship by the next few years then I'm leaving the country, I need to change something here".  Earlier in my life I , being afraid I would end up with someone similar to my dad (I had been told that daughters often looked for men like their dad's without realizing it), I had made a deal with God.  I told God that I would marry only who He choose as long as He would let me know who that was.  I had no idea how much potential heartache that deal would protect me from.

Without realizing it I became "flirty" with guys.  I did not seem to see the blurry line between friendship and potential relationship.  I felt empowered and reckless.  It was like my heart and head no longer communicated.  I didn't trust anyone with my true self but trusted too much of my safety to others at the same time.   I had no idea how to respond to advances by men.  I felt flattered, uncomfortable and afraid.  It was like I was watching "guy-friends" from a distance curiously , waiting for the right one.  I had mentally separated myself from men, but was at times totally inappropriate.  I didn't realize the potential danger that was there for me and was willing to give away my affections too freely.  The only thing that held me back was the "deal".  Every so often I would talk with God about a particular person and ask if he was the right one, if I felt negative or nothing at all then I would move on ....of course anxiety and doubt were still present, as well as sending a confusing  array of signals to "guy friends".  I'm not sure how much of this behavior my parents observed.  I think I remember my dad looking anxious or sounding anxious about me talking about a guy.  I was very good at hiding my emotions.  Sometimes my stoic mentality was an advantage when dealing with crisis situations at work , but it put a cover over a troubled and afraid girl who was starting to lose her ability to find her emotions again after hiding them for so long.