Although I had been working since I was old enough to earn money (teen years? I don't remember) my first actual career job was at a local nursing home as an RPN. After working for a year or so I got a full time afternoon position. Working at the nursing home opened a whole new world for me. I enjoyed my work. I liked the residents and for the most part I was a pretty good nurse. I even went to Africa , by my self. I volunteered at a mission hospital in Togo for a month. I had originally planned to do mission trips as a nurse. I think this trip helped me to rethink that plan. It seemed that I learned a lot more about the world and was not that much help to the hospital :).
After a few years of working full time the stress of the job started to creep up on me. I was working afternoons so I did not get out much. I started to feel restless. I would often ask for days off and get them denied (the nursing home did not have a good union). I remember listening to a TFK song (Thousand Foot Krutch - When in Doubt) and hearing the refrain echo in my head "there is so much more to life then this". For the first time in my life I began to feel dissatisfied with things at home. My dad had by then mostly stopped what he did , but it was still present in more subtle forms. I started to, at first subconsciously, look for an out. I considered leaving the country and working with Red Cross somewhere. I also grew interested in going to singles groups and online dating websites. I remember thinking "God, if I'm not in a relationship by the next few years then I'm leaving the country, I need to change something here". Earlier in my life I , being afraid I would end up with someone similar to my dad (I had been told that daughters often looked for men like their dad's without realizing it), I had made a deal with God. I told God that I would marry only who He choose as long as He would let me know who that was. I had no idea how much potential heartache that deal would protect me from.
Without realizing it I became "flirty" with guys. I did not seem to see the blurry line between friendship and potential relationship. I felt empowered and reckless. It was like my heart and head no longer communicated. I didn't trust anyone with my true self but trusted too much of my safety to others at the same time. I had no idea how to respond to advances by men. I felt flattered, uncomfortable and afraid. It was like I was watching "guy-friends" from a distance curiously , waiting for the right one. I had mentally separated myself from men, but was at times totally inappropriate. I didn't realize the potential danger that was there for me and was willing to give away my affections too freely. The only thing that held me back was the "deal". Every so often I would talk with God about a particular person and ask if he was the right one, if I felt negative or nothing at all then I would move on ....of course anxiety and doubt were still present, as well as sending a confusing array of signals to "guy friends". I'm not sure how much of this behavior my parents observed. I think I remember my dad looking anxious or sounding anxious about me talking about a guy. I was very good at hiding my emotions. Sometimes my stoic mentality was an advantage when dealing with crisis situations at work , but it put a cover over a troubled and afraid girl who was starting to lose her ability to find her emotions again after hiding them for so long.
