Mark and I struggled with our relationship with my side of the family. There was friction between Mark and my dad. My dad liked to intimidate people and my husband was not easily intimidated. My parents were dissatisfied with how often we saw them and how long we visited. We felt awkward visiting (finally agreeing on going over for supper one night a week). I felt the pull of the "family current" again. It felt like Mark was on the outside of a bubble and when I got close the bubble sucked me in leaving him on the outside. When Mark and I discussed this we stayed together more , sitting together on the couch while the family floated or flowed around us - no one really stopping to talk or visit. Often we were sitting down reading the paper while my siblings and parents were in the kitchen chatting/ working on things , my dad often went into the office and played on the computer. I knew things were not ok , but I did not know how to deal with them.
Things started to get more familiar between Mark and my family , but it seemed like it was border-line acceptance. About 4 months after being married I went to a walk in clinic because I thought I had a UTI. I did have one, as well as something else- our first child , Nathan :). I felt so honored and happy that God had chosen me to be a mom! Mark and I were very excited to have an addition to our family. The pregnancy progressed normally and I took an early maternity leave, not intending on going back to work as planned. I was aware that pregnancy and child birth can trigger unwelcome memories so with difficulty I let my midwife and dula know that "something" had happened in my past. Nathan was born on September 22 2009. I remember thinking "that was the hardest , but the best , thing I've ever done". As little Nathan started to grow I remember two things that happened that effected my way of thinking about my past; my dad made an inappropriate comment while my little boy was hungerly grabbing at me... making me wonder he would ever stop thinking of me in that way , and I started to worry about Nathan. I never ever wanted Nathan to experience the explosive anger my dad often displayed. My mom attempted to brush my concern away when I cautiously brought it up one day, but I still felt uneasy. I also thought about what my dad did to me while I was too young to defend myself and I didn't want that to happen to Nathan either. I knew we could not always supervise him 100% of the time.
Six months after I had Nathan I found out I was expecting again. This time I remember feeling worried that I would have a girl. I wanted a girl of course , but I was afraid something would happen to her. I didn't feel like the world was a safe place for a girl. Anxieties would rush up at random times during the day and I would be pushed to tears with worry. I wrote all this off to pregnancy hormones and dealt with it as best as I could. While hormones where defiantly a factor with being pregnant and still nursing the last baby, I didn't realize that they simply lowered my threshold and things that were already bothering me became much more bothersome. We found out the sex of the baby and it was indeed a girl. Sarah was born on December 11 2010. Most of my worries were dissolved in sleep deprivation and busy days, but they would still crop up from time to time. We still visited my parents house on a weekly basis , but with two children we found it increasingly difficult. I would have the baby and Mark would follow Nathan around the house (which was not very baby friendly), both of us exhausted after a visit. About six months after having Sarah I was again expecting.
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