As time trickled away I found that the dreams faded or I didn't remember them. For a time I remember waking up very tense , almost like my body was in flight or fight response. I remember noticing that my teeth were often clenched while waking up as well. Random anxiety attacks still happened , but slowly started to be more infrequent and not as severe. I call myself a "determined" person. My husband would likely change that word to "stubborn". Whatever it is that drives me has locked down on the path of healing and slowly and steadily I feel myself being put back together. The triggers I had identified seemed to loose their control once I understood what was going on.
After the initial feelings of pain, fear , and anxiety started to fade away I was left with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. When I was younger and still sharing a room with my sister I used to lie in bed awake , trying to make sense of things. I clearly remember the soft voice of God warning me that I would loose my family. I felt afraid and upset , thinking that something terrible would have to happen to change what I had. I think that sometimes secrets kept hidden like skeletons in closets bind family members tightly together. I loved spending hours talking to my siblings, simply because we enjoyed each others company. I loved playing with them when they were younger. I loved spending time with my mom shopping. I loved what I had imagined as our family , a family who goes to church, a family that helps others, a family that went for walks together, a family that often went camping together, a family that loved each other and were a good example to others. Although a lot of those things actually existed, the obvious problems were ignored. I drifted along not even really knowing myself and what I felt. I miss that. I miss the closeness. I miss the delusion that I had made. I don't want it back , but I still grieve for it. God was right , I did lose my family in a sense. I lost what I thought was my family.
The reality leftover after we had all opened the closet and viewed the skeleton was very different from the fun loving close family that we had known and loved (although , that "family" was already becoming strained ...delusions like that are not meant to last). Each of my siblings struggled with "the new normal" some of them attempting to slip in and out of the "delusion" but it was gone. My brother and I had stepped back mentally allowing ourselves time to sort through things and heal (not having any contact with our dad). One of my sisters started a family of her own and had to make painful decisions to protect her young children. My mom still struggles with being stuck between the every widening gap between our dad and us. My dad remains much the same, although I am sure he is dealing with bitterness and guilt. I only know this from talking to my sisters. The secret still remains a family secret (but not much longer). My parents expressed alarm whenever they learned of people outside of the family (apart from counselors) knowing what was going on. I've noticed that because what happened is still a secret or at least a taboo subject it is still hurtful. Half truths are being told, not all of our family members are honest about their emotions (I will take some responsibility in that as well). Assumptions and misconceptions fly around without any truth to strike them down. I remember my counselor saying "the secret will always be dangerous as long as it remains a secret".
Through the 2 years of counseling I did I realised that although God did not stop the abuse from happening, He never ever left me alone. He comforted me and guided me. He strengthened me and kept me safe from further harm. I know that the path of healing I am on is a long one , but with God helping me I already claim victory over this. I will win this struggle and will come away with the spoils of victory. I'm looking forward to a time when God can use this as a blessing or encouragement to others. I hope that I will keep updating this blog as I slowly travel along this path called healing.
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