After my dad passed away it seemed like there was relief in some areas of my life. I could not entertain anxiety about what he was doing or not doing because ...he was gone. Life settled down and kept rolling as it does, but things were still not right. My dad's death did not automatically resolve all of our problems. Life without my dad was like navigating wreckage from a bomb that had just gone off. I still experienced strain in relationships with family members. I still had memories or nasty thoughts pop up at random times.
As my emotions and thoughts navigated the wreckage left behind by my dad I felt myself being drawn closer to God. God presented Himself as a father to me , and I realized then how deep my mistrust of my own father went. I was stuck with the idea that God, by not stopping my dad, had allowed him to hurt me. How could I trust a father who allowed hurt and damage? What else would He do? My mind swarmed dreadfully with "what if" scenarios , many of them about my kids. Would God protect my kids from evil , when He did not protect me? All the things I was thinking about God were directly contrary to God's character. God is truth, God is light, God is love, God is holy, God is just, God is freedom, healing all these things I knew but it was hard to feel them when I was essentially blaming Him for what my dad did. The mistrust I felt settled on this thought "He is truth, love , light, freedom.... but not for you". It took an unrelated incident with our children at church to shine light on this thought and to expose it for what it was , a lie. One night I was driving alone to Windsor for a painting class, and I forgave God ...for what I thought He did.
So, while I still don't understand why things happened the way they did, I've come to a point where I don't need to know "why" anymore.People have choices to make, many of them good or evil. When someone chooses evil the consequence of that choice spills over to others around them. Why did my dad choose evil? I don't know, but he did have choices...like we all do. That is only part of the reason, mind you. When I get to heaven I will ask Him....but actually I don't think I will.When I get to heaven I will know and I won't care, because His presence will be so beyond what I can even describe right now.
I am ready for God to start to use my past to change me and make me closer to Him. I read things other Christians wrote about abuse or other terrible things that had happened to them and realized something astonishing. There are Christians who experienced evil and now rejoice because of them , they were happy that they had suffered! One , who experienced childhood abuse similar to mine, even said she would not have changed a thing in her life to be at the spot where she was now. To experience that level of healing and to taste victory instead of "victim" is amazing! I still have much to discover in what it means to have God as my father. These are a few things I know right now; God loves me very much so much that my own love for my husband and kids are only a shadowy example and, He offers me hope.
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